Brave Face – Shaun David Hutchinson
“I knew what it mean to be a faggot but not what it meant to be gay.”
Shaun David Hutchinson says these words to describe his middle school experience, and if reading them gives you a visceral reaction then you’ll likely find a lot of hindsight healing in this memoir exploring the complexities of growing up gay in the homophobic climate of the 1990s.
As someone only a few years younger than the author, “Brave Face” was a reminder that geography and fear may have separated me from my gay brethren at the time, but we were not alone.
We saw the same negative headlines, television shows and movies. Internalized the political landscape and swallowed the slurs. Allowed our shame to take root while trying in vain to change who we were because we thought being gay could not provide a future.
But, we persisted. Paving a path to self-acceptance and advocacy that has led to more change in our lifetimes than I ever could’ve imagined as a closeted teen. The road wasn’t always easy, as Hutchinson will attest, but the journey was worth it.
There were so many moments that were painfully relatable in “Brave Face.”
His failed dates with girls and women. The lies about losing your virginity to avoid questions. Sneaking peeks at men from your sister’s magazines. Clandestine porn viewing in the dial-up internet era. All adding up to realizing you were more intrigued by male than female bodies but not wanting to acknowledge what that actually meant for your future self.
Hutchinson’s conversational writing style allows readers to connect with his experiences and fill in the blanks with their own. It's a reminder that sometimes you’re simply hiding scabs, but you’re never too old to heal the wound.
While not necessarily targeted to young adults, the author — a prolific writer in that genre — uses short, fast-paced chapters that mirror the chaos of his internal life.
Many of the memories are from journal entries, early writings and notes shared with friends, which provide a gut-wrenching front seat to the slow descent he has into severe depression. On the outside he is confident and proud, but on the inside he’s one negative thought away from self-destruction.
There are lighter moments, and a fair amount of levity, but there’s also no shying away from the darkness. While the middle section felt repetitive as he navigates college life and minimum wage tedium, the raw honesty about his suicide attempt and its aftermath is harrowing but not sensationalized.
The ending resonated, as he acknowledged life is full of persistent challenges, but emphasized that overcoming isn't always the goal. Sometimes, survival is. Finding your support system, nurturing passions and actively pursuing happiness makes your life, even with its difficulties, worth fighting for. A reminder for readers of all ages.
Despite his past as an aspiring actor, Hutchinson’s audiobook narration was engaging but surprisingly detached. Perhaps years of therapy has muted his emotional connection to many of the elements shared? Still, for authors reading their own books, this was a step above.
Rating (story): 4/5 stars
Rating (narration): 4/5 stars
Format: Audiobook (library loan)
Dates read: June 3 – June 6, 2024
Multi-tasking: Good to go. Hutchinson puts his YA writing style (short chapters, fast pacing) to use here, making this an engaging and easy to follow read regardless of activity.
