Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men's Lives – Walt Odets

Complicated and challenging, Walt Odets' "Out of the Shadows" is not a comfortable read.

Part psychology text and part memoir manifesto, it is aimed at helping cis-gendered gay men live authentic and complete lives: emotionally, physically and sexually. This starts by addressing the collective trauma of the community — from societal expectations to the AIDS epidemic — and how those experiences shape our identities and relationships at various stages of life. 

At first, I was hesitant to read this book, because I didn’t think I needed it. I view myself as a relatively well-adjusted, successful and emotionally-attuned middle aged gay man who has done a fair share of therapy to work through any lingering feelings of inadequacy or shame wrought by heteronormativity.

It took a few chapters, but eventually Odets, a San Francisco-based psychotherapist, struck several relatable chords through case studies and his own personal stories. While not focused on exercises or self-help, it still prompted me to hold up a mirror and challenge biases I hold against myself and others. That doesn’t make “Shadows” a fun read, but it is essential.

While clinical and academic, it’s not particularly dry thanks to the personal touches brought to each chapter. There are some curse words and colloquialisms reflective of the conversations he had with clients that give this humanity. He also didn’t shy away from sharing his own experiences, something most people don’t get from their therapist. 

After extolling the importance of radical self-acceptance and embracing community, the last chapter shows how that manifested for him personally through the companionship of his close circle of friends over decades. It was a beautifully written chapter that read like literary fiction. 

While these touches make this accessible, the book's strength lies in its willingness to challenge assumptions. Here are a few interesting tidbits:

Are Gay Men Homosexual?

Odets takes aim at the narrow definition of "homosexual" based solely on sexual behavior. He argues that being gay is a multifaceted identity, not just an action, and that closely connecting it to sex (position, presentation, etc.) unnecessarily catalogs us into roles that can alienate. 

Stigma and Shame

There is a large emphasis on societal expectations that might feel outdated for younger generations who have lived with broader acceptance, but Odets emphasizes the hidden ways these continue to influence community experience (something we all feel, even indirectly) versus individual experience. 

Internalized shame from adolescence can linger, making it difficult to shed negative beliefs, and we perpetuate these stigmas against each other — whether about perceived promiscuity, more feminine behavior, etc. — leading to our own forms of homophobia.

Tripartite Communities

Most fascinating was how Odets classified modern gay men into three distinct coming of age communities, and explained how where we fit has influenced our approach to sex and intimacy: post-liberation and pre-AIDS (1969-1980), the initial AIDS crisis (1981-1995), and the introduction of life-extending drugs for HIV (1996 - present). 

The middle group — my group — was raised to live in fear of HIV, which in turn hindered sexual exploration for many. This chapter, probably more than any other, forced me to confront prejudices I hold against other gay men. I never made the connection about how the fear-mongering of broader society against gay men during my pre-teen and teen years continues to influence my perception of certain behaviors today.

The Lingering Trauma of AIDS

The heavy emphasis on connecting every gay man’s experience to the AIDS epidemic initially felt like a stretch. But I began to realize that even if a gay man is not directly impacted by the disease, there is a collective trauma we all share from the experiences of those who died or cared for loved ones. We are a small community and what impacts one, impacts us all. 

One Big Issue

While enlightening, the book isn't without flaws. Odets' biases became clear when he spoke of relationships, which veered into “right and wrong way to be gay” territory. 

He appears to have a bias against monogamy and marriage, viewing them as assimilation tactics that are antithetical to the freedom gay men have had in bucking convention. He severely underplays the significance of marriage in creating legitimacy and security, especially in non-progressive states. I viewed this more as a product of his metropolitan, coastal practice and largely wealthy and successful clientele.

Final Thoughts

This is, obviously, a highly niche read. I think all gay men could benefit from it, but it might be best suited for people early in the coming out process, parents of gay children, mental health professionals and individuals interested in starting therapy but unable to find a safe space locally.

Since it is dense and complex, the audiobook is a great way to tackle it. A narrator can make or break nonfiction, but Will Damron, an audiobook all-star, has a knack for infusing personality into text that otherwise may not have it. 

Rating (story): 4/5 stars

Rating (narration): 4/5 stars

Format: Audiobook (library loan)

Dates read: May 19 – May 26, 2024

Multi-tasking: Okay. You get out of the book what you put into it. If you’re hoping for self-improvement then paying close attention is key.