Letters to My White Male Friends – Dax-Devlon Ross
What drew me to this social justice manifesto/memoir is that I’m 100 percent the target demographic.
Dax-Devlon Ross was educated and has worked in predominantly white spaces, so he is keenly aware of the blind spots white men have when it comes to race. There were many times it felt like he was speaking directly to me, which made me connect to the text in ways I haven’t with other, similar books.
Told in three parts — harm, heal and act — Ross uses personal experiences paired with historical context to explain how and why racial progress stalls, and why white men have such a difficult time accepting the fact we have privileges the Black community doesn’t.
Ross is a self-described “empath” and it shows. He wants to meet people where they are and create a safe space before hitting you with the challenging and thought-provoking questions he peppers throughout. Some examples:
“How many Black kids did you see in your AP classes? Did you ever wonder why? Did you think we didn’t want to be or weren’t applying ourselves?
“Have you ever wished we would stop complaining and protesting and ‘making everything racial?’ That we should ‘shut up and dribble or just stand for the damn flag?’”
“Am I doing all of this ‘work’ because I am afraid of losing power and legitimacy? Or am I doing this because I am truly ready to embrace what’s next even if it remains unclear to me?”
I tackled this as a hybrid read/listen (narrated by Ross), which allowed me the time to hear the question, think about it and then re-read that section of the text to see how much my initial reaction was a product of learned defensiveness and dismissiveness.
Similar to Ta-Nehisi Coates’ “Between the World and Me,” in a few sections Ross makes the story incredibly personal, which helps to drive home the impact of what he is presenting more than facts, figures and history.
Two standouts were his experiences as a Black American in South Africa post-apartheid, and when he and a fellow law student were arrested and beaten for an innocuous activity and the vastly different ways each of them recovered from it. These stories help to illustrate the differences between racism, prejudice and bias.
Below are some key takeaways and learnings that, while provided out-of-context, give you a sense for the ground that is covered:
That our white advantages have made us wholly incapable of understanding truths about society, just because we can’t see them or don’t experience them. That “rationalizations we have been provided to explain our across-the-board advantages over others has made you [white men], at times, brutal and callous, cold and cruel.”
In discussing his education, he noted: “No one told my white male friends that they needed to be a credit to the race. They weren’t taught to code switch so they could assimilate and appear competent. Rather they were groomed to govern, treated as individuals, and assured ever so subtly that they were the standard by which everyone else was measured.”
How much casual racism we were exposed to in our youth and continue to see represented today. Everything from coded language by sports commentators to discredited “research” about Black people being less intelligent that was publicized by every major media outlet in the mid-1990s.
Many larger nonprofits that support BIPOC communities rarely have a majority of BIPOC leadership since some are used as a shelter and safe harbor for large corporations. That we need to stop the “poverty porn” mentality of Black charities and that some organizations tell “oversimplified turnaround stories that highlight individual effort but downplay systemic racism.”
That white culture always presents as the norm without justification, and therefore it is the lens through which every emotion and interaction is filtered.
Part III, the shortest but most impactful section, is where Ross doesn’t provide the reader with a map of actions, rather he guides you through reflection and prepares you for the “actions you choose.”
Soon after finishing “Letters,” I took action with extended family members who were perpetuating misinformation about equity and white privilege. I felt more capable of being able to rationally challenge these beliefs and provide tangible examples, not macro platitudes.
The conversation resulted in me being screamed at and chastised in my own home. It was unsettling and disappointing. I’ll never be able to see these people the same way.
Still, I would do it again.
What I experienced was the result of actively trying to be an ally, and Ross empowered me to facilitate that conversation even if the audience wasn’t receptive to it. This is why books like “Letters” are so incredibly important.
Rating (story): 4/5 stars
Rating (narration): 3/5 stars
Formats: Hybrid read/listen (library loans)
Dates read: October 22 – October 30, 2022
Multi-tasking: Not recommended. Ross is an engaging narrator, but this was more impactful when I read it versus listening. Unless you can give it your full attention, stick to the text.
