A Conversation About “Spare” by Prince Harry
By now the scandalous details and big reveals of Prince Harry’s memoir have been well-publicized. Instead of rehashing elements that a quick Google search can provide to you, I invited my friend Heather - my go to source for info on the royals - to discuss the good, the bad and the interesting revealed in “Spare.” The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
A: Let’s start by saying what our initial thoughts were. My primary reaction while listening to the audiobook, which Harry did a great job narrating, was empathy. There was a lot of past trauma that he was never really given the opportunity to reconcile.
H: My initial reaction was both empathy and sympathy. It’s not fun to watch a family fall apart, and it is sad what has happened between those brothers.
A: Still, he’s not helping things by airing dirty laundry for cash, right?
H: At its core, this book is about revenge. It's revenge for his childhood of feeling like he was truly a spare to his brother. It's revenge for how the media and senior royal family maligned his mother. It’s revenge for the racism and sexism that his wife had to face. When you think about the intent of this book as a mechanism for change - which he clearly hopes it is - I can’t help but think it won’t change anything.
A: Why do you say that?
H: This is a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep historic institution that has operated in a specific capacity for a long time. There is a huge problem with the relationship the institution and the palace have with the media. There is a huge problem with how the media is enabled and empowered. There is a huge problem with systemic racism in the institution. Harry and Meghan cannot change a tentacled organization from the sidelines.
A: While King Charles, Camilla, Prince William and Kate don’t come across the best, but the clear villain in this memoir is the media. For as much as Harry maligns these organizations, he’s clearly using them - and effectively. It started with Oprah, then the Netflix series and now interviews, from mostly American media organizations, to promote the book. There’s something that doesn’t sit right with me about this. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
H: This family has an incredibly sadistic relationship with the media. There are no boundaries but clearly rules. The firm - the brand reputation arm of the royal family - doesn't comment on scandals and issues, which means any negative statements reflect calculated maliciousness by specific family members. Take for instance the fact there was no comment when the Prince Andrew/Jeffrey Epstein scandal emerged, but there was a statement about the bullying allegations against Meghan by palace staff.
A: So you think Harry is simply beating them at their own game now?
H: Look, the monarchy wants to look good. They want to control the narrative, and the press lets them because they cooperate. Harry and Meghan stopped cooperating, so Charles and Camilla exploited that to their advantage by facilitating the placement of negative stories. Now Harry is doing the same to them. Right or wrong, it’s the way this family operates.
A: What are some of the situations in “Spare” that surprised you?
H: I am very pro Meghan. I think that she's a really astounding person, but I also think there needs to be some acknowledgement that she knew what she was getting herself into, racism aside. When you enter into this sort of microcosm, there are expectations. There is a chain of command, there is a hierarchy. While it is a family, it is also a business. It's an institution that has existed for a long time. There are roles. It's almost like they expected to turn it around immediately.
A: I agree with you completely. I'm also Team Meghan, but I’m struck by the naivete she presents, both in interviews and how Harry describes her in “Spare.” Like when she said she didn’t know who he was before they met. Girl, you’re a ‘90s kid like us, there is no way you escaped everything about Diana when you were a teenager. The image of William and Harry walking behind the casket is permanently ingrained in my memory.
H: Agreed. With her not being British, maybe she did not fully understand the extent of the protocol and expectations, but don't play this naive game. This is undoubtedly the most famous family in the world. What did you expect you were getting into? Especially as someone already in the public eye.
A: That was an interesting reveal, that William and Kate were fans of “Suits” prior to meeting Meghan.
H: I don’t blame them; it’s such a good show!
A: One thing that really stuck out to me is how Harry and Meghan both refer to themselves as feminists, but they dodge conversations around the sacrifices that Meghan had to make for this relationship and instead chalk it up to things you do for love. I'm sorry, that's just bullshit and such a cop out. She gave up her career. She literally has to bow down to you and your family, and all you're going to say is it’s about love! She had to change her whole life because of you. There is no discussion about that, which makes Harry lose credibility with me.
H: There were definitely sections that felt very one-sided, but it’s also a memoir so you’re not expecting objectivity. There were other instances of him glossing over topics or pivoting blame.
A: Like the Nazi costume being William’s and Kate’s idea?
H: Exactly. Dude, why would you ever think wearing a Nazi uniform would be a good idea? Even if someone told you to do it, you should know better. In moments like this he really lost track of the narrative he was trying to spin. It felt like calculated vilification against his family with no accountability of his own actions.
A: Let’s get to the lighter side of things. He talked about his penis a lot. Even as a gay man, I thought there was too much penis talk. Also, some of his “royals are just like us” anecdotes - like grocery shopping and buying bargain clothes - felt like the plot of “The Prince and Me.”
H: I thought the chapters in Africa were just really beautiful. You can definitely feel a heart connection there. To learn about the people who have supported him and been true family figures, because let's be real, his family is more like a group of colleagues. Describing Botswana, and the people that have counseled, supported and cared for him felt really genuine and were a few things I had not heard before.
A: Would you recommend “Spare?”
H: If you don't care about the royal family, I don't think you'd enjoy the read, but if you find the royal family compelling, it's worthwhile. I know it received a ton of criticism around the world - the BBC called it the weirdest book ever written by a royal family member - but I found it shed a lot of light into what he's dealt with and why he wanted to step away to protect his family. If you're simply curious, watch the second half of the Netflix series instead.
A: I’d recommend it but with caveats. There are enough really interesting parts - like how he processed Diana’s death, his military experience, mental health struggles, etc. - that makes this worthwhile, but 400-pages is a commitment and there are a lot of details I simply didn’t care about.
H: The first half is far more interesting than the second half. I actually ended up caring a lot less about the Meghan and Harry chapters.
A: I hope this is the last time he does a tell-all. Now is the time to start moving forward. Both of them have a huge platform and continuing to peddle in gossip will lose them a lot of goodwill.
H: Meghan has this great podcast, “Archetypes,” where she talks about the different labels that hold women back. It’s an example of a more effective way for them to use their platform to influence real change than a book like “Spare.”
Rating (story): 3.5/5 stars
Rating (narration): 4/5 stars
Formats: Audiobook (library loan)
Dates read: January 10 – January 21, 2023
Multi-tasking: Okay. Harry’s narration is solid and soothing, but there’s a lot of detail you might miss if you aren’t paying close attention. There were several elements Heather was able to recall that I wasn’t, simply because she read the memoir versus listening to it.
